Text: Thoughts

(I've been adding a few pictures in older posts of people I've been talking about. Feel free to browse back and check them out.)

So, what's some good music? I've been browsing through iTunes and Myspace music to find some singles I like. I've downloaded a few songs by Vienna Teng, Blake Lewis (AI runner-up), Jordin Sparks (AI winner), Train, Niki Harris, My Chemical Romance, My Morning Jacket, Hellogoodbye, and a few other older rock songs. I've been on a pop kick lately. It is probably the result of American Idol finishing, or that I'm just that cool. Any recommendations would be awesome.

I find myself being increasingly frustrated with people at work. I think it is a part of a larger problem with human standards. People walk around with such a narrow scope of what is in front of them that they fail to see the larger picture. For instance, I have been training servers to be bartenders the last few weeks. I understand that it can be overwhelming to take on new responsibilities and to learn them quickly. It doesn't mean that you should be oblivious to the guest's needs around you. One bartender walked by an empty glass of tea several times and I had to walk around the entire bar to fill it up. These are the small things I mean. Granted there are four of us wandering all over the bar trying to take care of 30+ guests, it just shouldn't be that hard to assume some common duties, like filling up empty drinks, and taking care of everyone as one large group. Eh, whatever. I think I'm cranky from drinking too much and being at work for long amounts of time.

Maybe I am frustrated with my current station in this world. I feel like I am holding myself back. I take these gradual steps of improvement and never seem to push myself. I dream of a future where I am acting or writing or doing voice acting for a comedy series. I am not saying that I am the lead role, but I don't see anything wrong with making money to learn a few lines and act silly. Hell, I do this on a daily basis. I see every social gathering as an opportunity to let my comedic side unleash quick-witted and sometimes offensive jokes that really make people think. I've had several people comment that I can seem to say whatever I want, even things that hit very close to home, and get away with it. How is that possible? I'm sure it is because I constantly try to make people laugh and most people don't take me too seriously. Some of them have to be wondering in their mind, though, did he really mean that? Yes, yes I did.

What I find funny is women who like to verbally assault themselves on a regular basis. They are the most fun to toy with. Not only do I agree with whatever they say, I rub their faces in the dirt a little further each time. It is like I get to throw some free jabs without much repercussion--especially when a girl isn't serious then she doesn't feel that I am. I'm usually not, but I also find it as a healthy way to say "Hey, you really are a bitch, could you stop" without being confrontational. I hate confrontation. I like to deal with my problems passive-aggressively. Think about that whenever you look at your hands or legs and have unexplained scratches or bruises.

Death is looming all around me lately. It seems that when I was a kid, I would grow up with the bubble that the world was great and there wasn't much to fear, except for maybe a dark basement or the space under my bed. Life is full of adventure. Everyday I would wake up as a child I was out on my puffy-paint sprinkled Huffy, exploring dirt fields, ditches, riding to Bigg's Shopping Center with John Simmons, or Kyle Jackson, or getting into trouble around Westminster with Tad Sharp. As I get older, the sweetness of life starts to dull and my senses sharpen. The initial rush of life's sweet alcohol lets its dry, stinging after taste set in. I become buzzed off of tragedy, because the fun only comes in waves; death is my smoke break. The period where I contemplate life, if only for a brief period, it is enough to add to my perspective.

Rachel's grandfather is dying of cancer. My friend Andrew, that I mentioned in previous blog entries, just lost his on Friday. My Dad's sister's husband has cancer; he was a large part of my youth. It happens. I know that I cannot help these people in their time of grief but all I can say is that I understand. I know of loss. I've lost both of my grandfather's, one to cancer, one to heart failure, and my father. I have only a foundation of guidance from the women in my life to act in place of these fallen role models. My imagination has made these men larger than they ever were in my life, but in a way, I think that helps me to mature and grow. I can only be grateful that I had them, no matter how much time that involved. I must be thankful for the life that was given to all of us and the fact that ut expires and the memory does not. Maybe my senses are too dead from the tragedy that surrounds us all everyday. The constant broadcast of scores of people dying in war, schools, whathaveyou, add another layer to my hardened resolve. The only thing that can seem to evoke any emotional outburst from me is film, something so fantastic and unreal that it ejects all my reserved emotion. Lord of the Rings, the Return of the King did that for me. None of the previously mentioned deaths electrified my body in that way. I could ask myself, "Did I really love or know these men well enough to respectively send them off with an emotional response?" I don't know why, I just can't cry at death. A comic book centered around Zen philosophies once said of death, You do not cry because you do not fear where you go once you die.

My contemplation of existence is to extensive to add on to this post. Maybe in death I will finally get some time to think about everything. I am sure it will be peaceful and quiet, if that is what I desire.