Blog, blog, bloggity.
I, We: Blog. Weblog.
Imagining so deep,
never before, would I,
think of you in my sleep,
oh ye blog of We.
Why do we feel it is imperative to be labeled as successful? What is success? Is success knowing good wine? Is it knowing the most beautiful people? Is it knowledge? Is it in the company you keep or the company you run?
I find these all to be valid inquiries. Success has transformed over the past year for me. It is the first year since 2000 that I've been single. In October of 2000 I met my first true girlfriend. I had only dabbled in dating prior to her. Which leads me to believe that if I had more experienced before I met her I might have been able to salvage the last four years of my life.
They were not a complete waste. That is if you consider experience through tasting the flavor of love your avenue to success. I find that success was weighed differently with her and entirely different with her away. We wanted valuable things. Items we could afford through finance, apparently. We were habitual spenders. It inevitably led to my current plight: my co-ownership of a condo with her. That said, it is evident to me that a majority of my adult life thus far has consisted of distracting myself from important decisions by surrounding myself with entertaining devices. What is the price of comfort then? For me, it ended up being $135,000.00, 4 years, many possible true-loves, the temporary loss of a few loyal friends, and passed job opportunities. What did I gain? Priceless wisdom from lessons I shall never repeat, so help me.
Is that the formula for success? Did I achieve the total or am I still trying to calculate how much I gained so I don't write it up as a complete loss?
I used to look at everything so positively when I was with Christina. Perhaps she was the shadow I wished to shed light on. The majority of her focus was on the negativity of life and how it plotted against her from birth. How unfortunate for her. I do not resent her for how she felt. That is a result of her upbringing. We all have reasons for who we are.
Science explains common threads of thought while the world provides the substance and imagery to taint it. Then, am I to blame her for what a tragic sex-life we had, or rather the romance-less path we stumbled down? I was there so much for her, I remember this clearly. Yet, where was she when my problems were most prominent? She claims it was me and the way I lived my life that elicited her cold responses. I can't entirely blame her. I was never home. Though, if she could have opened up and been social among my closest friends we might still be together. So for her, was success in ownership? And by ownership did she want customization? Was I a product of her imagination that didn't quite live up to the standards of her dream?
The condo we purchased was symbolic of the relationship we had. The lady who owned it before us had it for too long. She was desperate to sell it, but she couldn't find the right buyer. She eventually had to take a loss when selling it to us. It had been explained before the purchase that there was internal damage (plumbing) and that things had been patched up. However, you can clean up water damage, but the mold still creeps into the carpet. We had fought for so long about cheating, money, and other heartbreaking atrocities, like toothpaste caps being left off, or stabbing cats with brooms, that we carpeted over the damage and let the problem grow underneath.
It is weird how life sets up images for us, we are just blind to them. Is God an author and we are just the result of his imagination? Why did I have to get the big nose then? Is that the punishment for more personality and humor?
Then, maybe I am successful. Since I have spent the greater portion of my years being an observer, a pushover, if you will, maybe it is now that I can convert some of my loss into a game plan for success. Isn't it everyone's wish to succeed in life before you die? Don't we all want true love? Careers? Nice things? I want something I can't finance. I want success that isn't recorded on paper. Magari.
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2 comments:
I was amused and surprised to see that you kicked off, rather "popped your blogs cherry" with a tale known almost too well by those closest to you. I was rooting for something humorous, but then again who said that whole shenanigan wasn't funny? Am I right? Yeah I'm right. What can we do about relations ship gone bust? Those events in our life that consumed us, ate up our years and spat them out never tasting what was really on the inside. You speak of success and what you have gained and for me I don't feel like you've made the move yet to really bring success to this. The same problems you had with her are still haunting you because your still tied to her and she still owns you. I mean you fuck her now just as much as you did then and if she is the topic of your first blog entry then she is still obviously on your mind and she is still running the board. Gaining success from your past relationship with her would be dismissing her from your life completely. However, I understand that this isn't your fault for doing so. I understand your past and I understand who you are and more importantly how you work. If you've ever intended to become successful you'll need to overcome the past the bears down on you and makes decisions like this so god damned difficult for you to handle. I want to see you move forward, I want to see you take hold of something that has been strangling you and really rip its fucking arms off. To me that would be success. To me that would set you free and it would be a giant step to becoming the man you feel you are becoming. Don't forget that I am here to help you, to teach you, to learn from you. I feel that I am in this just as much as you are and that I am here for you till the day we die. Good buddy lets move toward what success could really be once your free from those chains that bind and hold you down.
I love you.
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