Text: Sacrifice

Love makes us compromise. It requires us to sacrifice. To what end do we compromise and sacrifice ourselves for a significant other? When do we realize that someone's weaknesses outweigh their stability? Is it not the proper method of love anymore to confidently stand on two feet and understand yourself before you unite with another? If that is the case, then at what point--is it an age?--do we know ourselves?

Continuing with thoughts from a previous entry, I have been single for over a year. Immediately after my relationship I dated a few girls that gradually degraded into friendship and then to no longer speaking. I wasn't really ready to sign up for another relationship. That was my right and the choice I went with. Now, nearly six months since my last date: I haven't had sex, I haven't even had a possibility of love. Sure, at times, it can be a very depressing fact--but what is in a number, right? I lost my virginity at 18 to the girl I lived with for nearly 4 years. How much could I really have known about myself and the way I preferred love at that point? It is hard to realize the stuff that both of us put up with and how long we actually stayed together.

In my experience, neither of us could grow up being together. We had to separate before we could finally understand and acquire maturity as lovers and as people. We sure as hell weren't going to find it sitting at home reading books, watching movies and playing video games together. Comfort made my naivety acceptable. What did I need to know about other women? I had one in front of me that seemed to embody all the traditional elements of a future wife and mother. She was extremely loyal, loved to cook, worked a steady job, and had the ability to process a complete, intelligent thought. Then, why were we so forsaken as lovers?

I blame it primarily on our age. We fell for each other at 18. What can you possibly know about yourself at 18? You were taught nothing about yourself in high school. If anything you were taught how to be just like everyone else and make decisions according to popularity. Sure you might've had hobbies and friends you found interesting, but what did you really learn? Even when you thought you were gaining wisdom, in retrospect, how beneficial was it? Once you're on your own, when you don't have parents and you're trying to find a job, go to school, pay bills and have a shred of responsibility=that is when you start the process of growing up.

That isn't all it takes. Anyone can rent an apartment and work at Dairy Queen. It is what you learn while you're on your own, without your parents, without a significant other, that truly matures you. Otherwise you are sent from one umbrella, your parents, to the next, a life with your lover, that continually blocks the down pour of life. If you can't stand to get a little wet, even soaked, from life then you should've never left the house. It is in the moment that you establish a sense of identity that you are ready to encounter love and join someone as an individual. Prince Charming may exist and he may have a magical fantasy land waiting for you, but the passport should require you to prove you've taken at least a step or two towards finding yourself. Is that too much to ask?

Today, ask yourself a question: who the fuck am I? If you can answer it without including someone else in the picture then I'd say you're a giant leap in front of some. If you are your hobbies, if you are the games you play, the movies you watch, the stories you write, then you aren't anyone at all. Know yourself. Then let love find you.